Tomorrow I turn 25...
I don’t know why I’m making such a big deal of it. It’s after all just another number right? It’s probably because I will no longer be in my “early twenties”… 25 seems like a milestone and a huge one at that. Yet, I’m actually just a day older than I am today right? So why have I been a little more restless than normal during the last couple of weeks, I wonder? People have told me of a phenomenon called the “Quarter Life crisis” – a phase full of uncertainty where questions like “What am I doing with my life?” plague a person. For some, it remains a passing phase – something that soon gives away to other materialistic and mundane aspects of life like career, marriage and household affairs and ultimately ending precisely where it all started, with the same questions but a different name – the “Mid-life crisis”. The Circle of Life eh? For some lucky and brave heart others, this “quarter life crisis” results in a plunge into something different, the quest for “one’s true calling”, the first step off the beaten track.
I’ve had a good and comfortable life till now. No complaints, a few regrets – but the kind that will ebb away in a few years and bring a smile on my face when I think of them while sipping hot cocoa on a cold, rainy day by the fireplace. I’ve smiled, laughed, cried, loved, pursued ambitions, won, lost, talked… I’ve seen the magical power of a smile, experienced the beauty of love, tasted the joy of true friendship, felt the pain of losing a loved one, experienced the ecstasy of winning and the numbing silence of a loss… I’ve met some very interesting people and some not so nice ones – but those from whom I have learnt the importance of making the right choices, of separating the wheat from the chaff… I’ve learnt where to hold tight and where to move on. Interests have come and gone, like the coming and going of waves. Some have stuck on and turned, or are rapidly turning into passions – travel, music, Nature, books, photography. I have a long, ever-growing bucket list, and with it, the burning dream to tick off each and every item on it. I’ve learned to find joy in the simplest of things – the twinkling laugh of a child, the chirp of a bird, the crash of the waves, the dew on the leaves, the wind in my face, and to appreciate the beauty in everyday events – a surprise hug, the voice of a long lost friend on the other end of the line, a quick commiserative smile from a total stranger… I have been shaped slowly, but surely by experiences - both mine and those of others, have grown, and am in the process of discovering the mystery that I am – little by little, day by day. Yes, it has been a comfortable life but still, there is that slight unease, those minor palpitations… A quarter of a century has passed since I arrived on earth and I wonder if I have indeed arrived at all.
To an outsider, I probably come across as a person who has life all figured out, who has achieved almost all that she could have in 25 years of existence. However, those that know me well also know of the turbulence that lies under the cheerful exterior. They also know of the non-conformist, the rebel in me. I still have the same questions, the same confusion that I had a few years ago when I stepped out of comfort of my parents’ home and into the serene campus of Surathkal. The “Where?”, “Why?”, “How?” and “What?” still haunt me just the same. The only difference is that I am just somewhat surer, a tad more confident and have a lot more courage in my convictions than I did when I was 17. I also know that answers to these questions will surface in due course of time and that paths will open, sooner or later. Today, I look towards the next quarter of the century with hope, courage, joy and the anticipation of doing something more meaningful with the wonderful gift that is this life. Yes, 25 is just a number, something of little significance to someone who believes staunchly in “18 till I die!”
I sign off with my favourite Robert Frost lines, with some improvisation
“I shall be telling this with a smile,
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I –
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference.”
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Friday, September 2, 2011
Is it just me?
A few years ago:
I used to be able to sit in one corner of the room with a book in hand, completely oblivious to everything that was around me, food and drink forgotten, a screaming grandmom and mom ignored and could focus completely, totally and wholly on the piece of art in my hand, completely lost in the black print. Of late, I can't seem to focus on any book or movie for more than ten minutes, without fidgeting a million times, looking around the room, completely tuned in to the slightest noise or disturbance in the space around me!
I could listen to the same song over and over again and completely get lost each time in the lyrics, the melody, the voice... Today I find it difficult to listen to a single song from beginning to end without skipping parts I don't like.
I used to be able to remember the most insignificant detail of any conversation or bit of information someone had shared with me, including when and where that bit of knowledge had been imparted to me. I could recognize articles I had read years before and recite its contents almost effortlessly. I could remember whole poems after reading through them once. Statistics, numbers, names, figures, pictures came naturally to me and I could recreate the same vividly in words. Today, I find it difficult to remember my own aunt's phone number! I read the same articles again feeling only a faint sense of deja vu... I look up blogs, articles and other stuff on the internet, read it out to those around me and poof, forget everything that I've read almost the very next minute!
I still remember the physics formulae and equations I learnt years ago, nay a decade ago, but can't seem to recall a simple economics theory I came across in B-school not so long ago.
I used to be able to hold a conversation for hours on end on the most boring topic on earth. Today, I can't focus for more than a minute on the topics that interest me most!
Whenever I visited a place, I used to observe the most intricate details - the shape of the tiles on the pavement, the kind of trees along the road, the colours of the billboards, the building styles, the moustache of the bhelpuri wala standing near the pavement and map it to those details I saw in other places. Today, I noticed for the first time, that the road I walk on for a good ten minutes everyday is not tarred but tiled!
Is it just me? Or is there a larger, darker force at play?
I used to be able to sit in one corner of the room with a book in hand, completely oblivious to everything that was around me, food and drink forgotten, a screaming grandmom and mom ignored and could focus completely, totally and wholly on the piece of art in my hand, completely lost in the black print. Of late, I can't seem to focus on any book or movie for more than ten minutes, without fidgeting a million times, looking around the room, completely tuned in to the slightest noise or disturbance in the space around me!
I could listen to the same song over and over again and completely get lost each time in the lyrics, the melody, the voice... Today I find it difficult to listen to a single song from beginning to end without skipping parts I don't like.
I used to be able to remember the most insignificant detail of any conversation or bit of information someone had shared with me, including when and where that bit of knowledge had been imparted to me. I could recognize articles I had read years before and recite its contents almost effortlessly. I could remember whole poems after reading through them once. Statistics, numbers, names, figures, pictures came naturally to me and I could recreate the same vividly in words. Today, I find it difficult to remember my own aunt's phone number! I read the same articles again feeling only a faint sense of deja vu... I look up blogs, articles and other stuff on the internet, read it out to those around me and poof, forget everything that I've read almost the very next minute!
I still remember the physics formulae and equations I learnt years ago, nay a decade ago, but can't seem to recall a simple economics theory I came across in B-school not so long ago.
I used to be able to hold a conversation for hours on end on the most boring topic on earth. Today, I can't focus for more than a minute on the topics that interest me most!
Whenever I visited a place, I used to observe the most intricate details - the shape of the tiles on the pavement, the kind of trees along the road, the colours of the billboards, the building styles, the moustache of the bhelpuri wala standing near the pavement and map it to those details I saw in other places. Today, I noticed for the first time, that the road I walk on for a good ten minutes everyday is not tarred but tiled!
Is it just me? Or is there a larger, darker force at play?
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